JUSTIN

We’ve finally come to the to the child who caused the desperation that sent me into a five year study of deliverance. His story begins…In the wee hours of what would become a hot August day, a lone security guard made his rounds outside a busy hospital just outside of Los Angeles. A typical night had wound down and it was now just before dawn, as he turned the corner a snatch of movement caught his eye, and then a sound. A small cry from the bushes. The guard turned his flashlight to full power and approached the planter with caution. But he needn't have feared the tiny child he was about to discover. At almost the same moment a weary night Sargeant on the local police Department took the call...a woman's voice said, "You had better check the bushes at Memorial Hospital, there is a baby." Then the line went dead, she hung up, to be cut off from her son's life forever.

As the night watering system was about to turn on, the excited guard scooped up the infant and rushed him to the emergency area. The child, who only hours before had been safe in his mother's womb, was now poked and prodded and checked. The newborn was determined to be less than two hours old. Hospital records were checked to see if possibly the mother had given birth in the hospital. Negative. Word quickly spread through the hospital about Baby Boy Doe. He was so small and cute and sweet that each person who laid eyes on him wondered, "How could she do it, and why?" Police reports were made and social workers called in, a long day for sure, for one who had just checked in.

We got the call that same morning of his birth. Would we like to care for him? Yes, indeed. We were allowed to name him, as no one had bothered. I was the first in our home to hold him. Don't get too attached, he'll be off to another home in a month, I was told. I'm sure they didn't mean to, but they lied. One month quickly turned into ten. It's not hard to love a child who has no one, it doesn't matter what race or what creed. Just be quick to fill the need. And oh, what need! Never had I seen such a fearful child. Happy and dimpled and smiling, as long as he was held. But oh, the huge tears he could cry if he even thought he was going to be put down. Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde, Mr. Congeniality and Mr. Fear and Tears, we had to make him think that he was being held, even when he was asleep. He was held continuously the first four months of his life and slowly weaned off of it in the next two months. Spoiled? Maybe, but at the time we thought we were meeting an unusual need. He seemed so afraid of being alone. My amateur psychology had taken over and I reasoned that he had experienced fear at its’ deepest root level when he had been expelled from his mother's womb into the cold night air and left to himself. I surmised that he had no vocabulary for these feelings, no way to rationalize them, just a huge black void of fear and need. It wouldn't be until years later that I would realize that I had stumbled into a snare that the accuser of the brethren had set for me.

As my son matured we realized that we were hopelessly in love with his smiling eyes and dimples. How could we not adopt him? He would be so traumatized to leave as he was so attached. Justin bonded to one person at a time and would accept no other for that period of time. Too afraid to sleep alone, he always insisted on sleeping in the room of whomever was his favorite at the time. Much like a loyal puppy, only much more demanding. If it hadn't been for those eyes and those dimples I don't know where he'd be now. I can assure you that God tricked us into this assignment, because if we had known how hard it would be, we would have made a run for the hills.

MY NIGHTMARE BEGINITH

The "terrible-twos" hit, only these were the terrible, horrible, unbearable twos, magnified ten times. But that's normal, all kids go through that--or so social services told us. Demanding and controlling, but refusing to speak even though he could. It's really hard to please someone when you don't know what he wants. Your first instinct is to give him what he wants as quickly as possible to silence the screaming. The only problem with that short-term solution is that every time you comply, you have reinforced the behavior and taught them to repeat it.

I really have no idea how to put into mere words the next few years of hell that followed. We dealt with a minimum of one, twenty-minute uncontrollable tantrum each day, with some lasting as much as seventy minutes, plus one at nap time, plus several "mini" fits daily. It's really frustrating to spend half an hour trying to enforce a two minute time-out as holes are being kicked in the wall by the screaming toddler. Now, I have to tell you, statements like "I hate you," "I hate this house," "I'm going to kill you," and "I'm going to kill myself" just aren't that common from a pre-schooler. Especially when the trigger is something simple like "I'm sorry son, I don't know where you left your toy."

Being in public was the worst. When he didn't get what he wanted, he would sit down, scream at the top of his lungs and refuse to budge. Picture that in a crowded mall, or Disneyland, or church, or a restaurant or the library. And remember, he's not my only child, I was trying to manage five. It's hard to pickup a screaming, struggling toddler, push a double stroller and get from the far end of a mall to the parking area without attracting a considerable amount of attention. Because Justin is black and we are not, bystanders often wondered if he was lost or worse yet, when we were bodily removing him, if he was being kidnapped.

Taking him to church was a nightmare. He would scream and try to kick the glass out of the car windows the whole twenty-minute ride there. Then he would cover his ears and scream that it was too loud in the service. I spent far more time outside or in the restroom trying to calm and control the raging child than inside. It really is a wonder that I even kept going to church, but we were there every week, twice a week. End Sample

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